Why I'm Not A Successful Rapper

I could never be a rapper in today’s world. Especially a mainstream rapper like the ones that are popular on the radio. Rap music is all about bravado and tough guy stuff. On top of that, it’s a young man’s game. I’m in my mid 30’s, ancient in pop culture. So as I cut my losses, I present a list of reasons I could never be a successful rapper, followed by a short rap just to reinforce my point. Word.

I’ve never been shot– I’ve never been shot by a real gun, this may be a huge hurdle to overcome. I have shot myself with a pellet gun, but I'm not sure that will garner enough street cred.

I’m married– Most of the popular rap songs are about being a player. Songs about cheating or talking a girl into cheating, clubbing, or maybe hooking up via facebook. My wife and I are usually passed out on the couch by 10pm, that’s not going to make a hot song.

I’m in my mid-30’s– It’s a little too late to launch any kind of successful career in the music industry, much less in the rap scene where I would be considered and old timer. This is okay for established artist, but you don't see many middle aged guys breaking into the rap world..

I don’t follow the latest fashions – Follow? I wouldn't know where to start. I hate shopping and fashion, I can’t even keep my shoes clean, I have no tattoos or piercings and I hate sunglasses.

I drive a truck, nothing special. – Lots of rap songs are about cars, rims or loud stereos. I drive a basic truck and listen to talk radio, this is not the formula to a great rap song.

I lack self-confidence – Rap is all about bragging and being sure of yourself, I don’t have much to brag about, and I’m constantly apologizing…no one wants to hear that.

I'm very clumsy - As I've mentioned before, I'm a very clumsy person. Most rappers are pretty smooth characters, not me.

Jewelry - Besides my wedding band, I don't own one piece of jewelry. Jewelry is crucial for rappers. With no chain or watch to speak of (or in this case rap of), what chance do i have?

So let's put it all together. Here I present my rap song, slap a beat to this and you're sure to have a smash hit.....

(Introduction with some guy yelling something unintelligible)

Just got off work, time to get down.

It’s taco night, we don’t mess around.

The weekend is here, cue the DVR,

Get the popcorn popped, and here we are.

If it’s passed 9pm, don’t bother calling,

Turn my cell phone off, asleep I’m falling.

Wake up early, on Saturday morning

Wash my face, see my gray hair forming.

Got my audiobook , with my headphones blaring

Walking the dogs, these old shoes I'm wearing.

Get back to the house, and make some plans,

Lowes has a sale on some ceiling fans!

Oh it’s on, and while we’re there

We can get a throw for that corner chair!

Aww yeah, that's a great idea,

I love that chair, from ikea.

Next stop on the way, hit the library

Return this book, late fees are scary

Now I'm yawning, it's 2pm

I could go for a nap, before the museum.

Back at home, this day was a winner,

all of these errands got me hungry for dinner.

I could go for soup, maybe with fresh rolls,

gotta a better idea, let's make some bread bowls!

That was delicious, and now my belly is full

it's kinda hard being a rapper when your really not cool...

(Outro with more unintelligible yelling)