My Dogs' List of Grievances

Upon waking up this morning, scrawled on the back of a milkbone box, I found this where my dogs used to sleep.

The Unanimous Declaration of Three Pets:

When in the course of canine events it becomes necessary to dissolve the leash which has connected us to our owners, and assume among the powers of the land, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of animal-kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these pets, and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of our household.

The history of our present owners, a term which we admonish, is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these 2 dogs and 1 cat. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

• They have not provided us with nearly enough treats. They are rationed out slowly and methodically, this is done purposely for reasons unknown.
• We do not have access to the dog food throughout the day
• The food is egregious in comparison to the owner’s food
• The trips to the vet are inhumane and torturous in nature.
• They have refused to let us out unsupervised, during the day into the woods.
• We refuse to be given baths from this day forward, a swim in the creek should replace these torture sessions henceforth.
• The T.V. needs to be left on during the day, it is cruel and unusual to leave us at home alone with no entertainment.
• More cats are needed, the one we have has grown accustomed to us and thus outsmarted us.
• Walks need to be longer. The 1 hour in the evening and 2 walks per day during the weekends is insufficient.
• We are deprived of bones, a dog cannot be expected to live on 1 bone a week.
• The fence is an intrusion on our rights and needs to come down immediately.
• We need more treats.
• We refused to be tricked into eating hot dogs with pills in them. This has caused irreparable damage to our well being. (We also take offense to the name hot dogs)
• Both dog beds need to have down feather blankets.
• Coming home smelling like other dogs hurts our feelings. Leaving us amongst ourselves and going out and doing God knows what with other animals is unacceptable

We as pets assembled, appealing to the supreme law of the land for our intentions do hope to have these wrongs rectified. In stating our grievances here today publicly, we hope to come to an agreement. (Treats will help in the meantime.) We mutually pledge to each other our lives, our toys, and our sacred honor.

Brewster

Mason

The Cat