Fun With Spam
Recently I placed an ad to rent my house on Craigslist. The replies varied, and most were well intending people looking for a home. But as we all know, when it comes to Craigslist we must tread carefully. There is plenty of spam to go around.
For Example:
The following is an exchange with the distinguished Dr. James Alixon. He is moving to the states to conduct "private research" and it just so happens he would like to rent my modest 900 square foot house.
Let’s see how this thing plays out...
On May 13, 2013, at 3:45 PM, James Alixon <xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com> wrote:
Hello,
I come across your house for rent advertised on the internet and i am interested in renting it,please let me know if it is still available.I will be signing one year lease for this unit and will be staying with my wife and daughter,and will be willing to offer you 2 months rent plus the security deposit in order to secure this unit prior to our arrival.Could you be kind enough to let me know what the electricity/utility cost would be?as i will really need to have this unit to myself. You can send me the lease application,to enable be review it ahead of time. i would eventually have it signed physically when i arrive in person.Please do get back to me in time because i will really appreciate a quick response.
Regards
Dr.James Alixon
Well, that sure was uh, interesting doctor. What I found even more interesting is that the doctor sent this email to “undisclosed recipients. I smell spam.
Let’s have some fun…
From: Me
Date: May 13, 2013, 4:03:51 PM EDT To: James Alixon <tXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com> Subject: Re: Apartment needed !!!
Dr Alixon, let me start by stating how elated I was to receive your email. I have read your contributions to the New England Medical Journal and find your offerings to be a breath of fresh air!
Please, the honor of having you and your wonderful family in my home would be mine entirely and I couldn't in good conscience accept payment. I would only ask that you examine my brother.
For his own safety, I've had to chain him to a tree in the backyard since his affliction has worsened. I'm beginning to fear for the neighborhood dogs as several have gone missing in the passing weeks. I eagerly await your reply kind doctor. I will inform my brother of your encouraging email tonight at feeding.
Regards, Pete
Sent from my iPhone
I fired off my reponse and figured that would be the end of it. Nope, the Doctor replies, this time with a different email address, uping the ante…
Begin forwarded message:
From: James Alixon <james.alixon@yahoo.com>
Date: May 14, 2013, 7:39:40 AM EDT
To: Pete < >
Subject: Reply asap
Thanks for your mail ,Yes i appreciate your wanting to help us in our situation.I am a chemist by profession and i am currently working with NORTH WICKPARK&ST.MARK'S HOSPITAL,17 WATFORD ROAD,HARROW,MIDDLESEX, LONDON I will be in the states for the next one year with my wife and nine year daughter and during my stay i will be working with the United States Environmental Protection Agency on a private research work.We have a financier that is based in the states and he will be handling the rent deposit payment on our behalf,we will instruct him to send you the check for this as soon as you give us the go ahead to make payment to you.
Due to the limited time that we have before our arrival,we are making arrangements with a furniture company to supply the home with furniture,so we will need you to provide us with the measurements (provide to you tomorrow) of the living room and bedroom so that we can send it to the furniture company so that they can supply the unit with furniture that will fit in well. As regards the lease agreement,i want you to send it to me for my review,i will eventually have it filled and signed on my arrival in your place as i am of the opinion that such documents are best filled and signed physically (no problem)..We can start the lease by 14th of May and we will be doing a one year lease although we will not be arriving until 25th of May . as mention or even before then.You can prepare the lease in my name Dr.James Alixon and my wife's name Mrs....Melissa Alixon..Please call my cell phone +447024081502
As regards the rent and deposit required to be paid by me in order to secure this rental prior to our arrival,i will need you to provide me with your full name in which the check will be issued and your complete physical contact address to which it will be sent to by my,as soon as you provide these,i will forward it to my financier with an instruction to issue and send you the check....Please i need you to also reconfirm the total move in costs,that is the rent and deposit to be paid. I will look forward to your email with the required information... Thank you,
Dr.James Alixon
Okay, the good doctor is not very perceptive. My cry for help has gone completely unnoticed. Time to ratchet up the stakes...
From: Me
Date: Mon, 5/14/13, 4:03:51 PM EDT To: James Alixon <tXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com> Subject: Re: Apartment needed !!!
Dr. Alixon, once again, I could never accept payment from a man of your stature. But your urgent attention is required in the matter of my brother. This morning, as I came out to fill his trough, I found he had escaped in the night,. Only his broken shackles remained, gnawed and jagged. I have received word that he is on the warpath, littering the town with headless chicken carcasses in his wake.
As I’m sure you are aware from your work with the lunatics at St. Mark’s, this is a delicate situation. Please advise your financier that your stay will be free of charge, and may even result in a permanent position as our town’s doctor has come down with a searing case of Herpes.
In regards to your furniture, please do not worry your capable mind with such details, as your private research work with the United States Environmental Protection Agency will no question be a top priority. I have had my wife spruce up the apartment in preparations for your arrival, bringing in fresh bales of hay for your comfort. We have relocated the livestock outside to the backyard and will slaughter our finest hog the moment you arrive.
Please send your lovely wife Melissa our best. We look forward to your arrival soon doctor as the townsfolk are growing increasingly aggressive towards my brother’s condition. Our fate lies in your hands.
Godspeed,
Pete
Sent from my Iphone
The doctor is still unperturbed by the building crisis, in fact he is more concerned with sending me money rather than offering his assistance...take a look:
Begin forwarded message:
From: James Alixon <XXXXXX@yahoo.com>
Date: May 15, 2013, 6:49:31 AM EDT
To: Pete < >
Subject: As regards the rent and deposit required
As regards the rent and deposit required to be paid by me in order to secure this rental prior to our arrival,i will need you to provide me with your full name in which the check will be issued and your complete physical contact address to which it will be sent to by my,as soon as you provide these,i will forward it to my financier with an instruction to issue and send you the check....Please i need you to also reconfirm the total move in costs,that is the rent and deposit to be paid. I will look forward to your email with the required information... Thank you,
Dr.James Alixon
Seriously Doctor? I don't want your money. A town needs your help....ugghh! Okay, here we go...
Date: May 15, 2013, 3:59:31 PM EDT
To: Pete < >
Subject: As regards the rent and deposit required
Dr. Alixon, I write this to you under extreme duress. The townfolk have taken my brother. He was captured in the town square today harassing women and children while wearing only his safety helmet. His sentencing is tomorrow at noon and I fear the worst. Just last year he was tarred and feathered after the incident with the goat.
I cannot begin to reconfirm total moving cost because I want nothing from you but your heartfelt passion to help those in need. I offer you what I have; a warm stable, fresh mutton and perhaps my wife in the event that the lesions have healed.
Please delay no further doctor, my house is yours for the taking. I believe in fate, and there must be a reason that you found my simple ad on Craigslist. Your correspondence has been a glorious blessing in this time of hardship. We need leadership and we need direction, but what we need most of all Doctor Alixon, is a hero. So please, before it’s too late, I ask that you find it in your heart to help a family in a time of crisis.
Counting the seconds until your arrival,
Pete
At this time I am still watching my inbox for the doctor's reply, but I have a feeling he may have moved on. And so should I. I need a real tenant!
