An Interview With My Dog

I sit down with my dog Brewster for a one on one interview. I will ask the hard questions today, no softballs here. I catch Bruce, as he likes to be called, just before his afternoon nap. He's in good spirits and willing to open up. Let's begin.

Hello Brewster, how are you today?

I'm well, thank you for asking

Bruce, are you a good boy?

Overall, I would have to say yes. Do I have the occasional slip up? Sure, I'm only canine. I would say that I'm a much better boy than those Jack Russell Terriers down the street, wouldn't you agree?

Great point Bruce, yes you are. If you could change anything in your current living arrangement, what would it be?

Excellent question, I'm glad you asked. You guys do pretty well, (stopping to sniff) but there is definitely room for improvement,

Such as?

The usual gripes. Longer walks, more treats, better food.

Baths, inside or out?

Next question.

Favorite food?

I would have to say steak, with bacon as a close second. In a perfect world, both. Speaking of food, are you going to give me that treat or just hang on to it?

Changing gears, I decide to ask a series of difficult questions.

Bruce, your relationship with the Mailman, it isn't good. Can you explain your actions?

It's complicated. I'm only trying to protect the house. I see someone I do not recognize and I move to strike. I growl and bark, he leaves, so it must be working, right?

Uh, sure Bruce.

This next question is a little more complex, I rub him under his chin and hand him the treat.

Bruce, do you remember that time we were at the park and you chased down that groundhog? Do you have any remorse for your actions that day?

He finishes the treat and ponders the question

First, let me just say this, I am a dog, this is what I do. My instincts got the best of me that day. Do I feel bad? Perhaps, but I can't apologize for who I am. Maybe you should study up on the leash laws.

Very well, let's move on. Trips to the vet, do you understand this is for your own good?

Is it? The first trip there, my manhood was taken from me, and every subsequent visit has involved poking in prodding in some very private places.

You're really not much of a morning dog, you like to sleep in. What time do usually wake up during the week when we are at work?

Let's see, on a typical day I usually get hungry around 9. So that's when I'm starting my day. I'll eat, scratch, bath myself, and check the perimeter before naptime.

You've never been one to play fetch, why is that?

What's the point? You throw the ball, I bring it back and you throw it again. It's pretty redundant.

Your fear of the vacuum, you do understand it's not going to get you, right?

What do you call that thing? Vack Yume? I have some questions for you. Why have you chased me around the house all of my life with that wicked machine. I go outside, and you chase me with another loud machine. Why is this?

Bruce, I do not chase you around with the vacuum, we are just cleaning up all of that fur you shed....Bruce?

With this he begins to get up and shake his head. As his ears flop I feel this interview is coming to an end.

One last question. Would you like to go for a walk?

He cocks his head to the side, his tail picking up speed. No answer is needed to this question. He immediately jumps off his bed and heads to the door. I didn't get any earth-shattering answers today, but he's just a dog....a great dog.